I have been a mother for almost 6 years. It was a wonderful journey and a platform to learn both about my child and myself. The best of raising her was to understand my childhood experience and improve my parent´s parenting technique while using them on my child. Without being consciously aware, we try to raise our children with the same way as our parents did for us. Sometimes this is not a very clever idea as not all of us got the best parenting. In many culture, children were treated as a mindless creatures and their voice were´t heard by their caregivers.
As for my parents, even though I was like a little princess at home, emotionally speaking, my parents didn’t provide me with the best emotional support when I needed. So I had some attachment problems which I am still working on.
As for children, they also feel fear, anxiety, anger, frustration and all the other negative emotions which an adult can feel. It is crucial to listen to them and offer them the best comforting in our capacity so that they learn to regulate those emotions. When a child cries, it means she or he needs something, wether it is a physical support or emotional support, as a parent, you need to be able to give the child what they need so that they can develop secure attachment with you. Not taking the child seriously will cause serious problem for the child´s later social life. they learn not to trust with a non- responsive parent. They develop different kind of personality disorder due to lack of responsiveness of the caregiver when they are younger.
Many people believe that when a baby cries, you should´t pick them up, when they don’t want to sleep alone and cry in their bed, you should leave them alone, and that is the proper way to teach them to be independent. What??? Psychological studies prove these ” common sense” or ” norms” ( whatever you call them) wrong. If the young child is meant to leant that kind of independence, what is your role as a parent then? Every child is born with the need of care and love. Giving the child unconditional positive regard is very crucial. Letting them know that you love them no matter what, will increase their self esteem and sense of independence when they grew up. Putting condition to the children for them to receive that love from you, will make them turn into people pleasers. They will try to meet others need in order to be love, as they have trained by their parents in that way ” if you want to be loves, then you must do this and that” kind of teaching will ruin the children.
So, listening to your children’s voice, both inner and outer. Support them at your best , and teach them how to regulate their negative emotions. They will come closer to you and they will trust you like no one else.
Lots of Love