After I have become a single mother five years ago, anxiety has became my constant companion. I worried about how to go about life with a one year old daughter , without a career, without a degree and without a constant income. I was the one that chose to get divorce and therefore out of resentment, my daughter’s father didn’t helps us at all. There were many dreams that I put away after I got married including my education and my passion. With that anxiety , I managed to get into university and got scholarship and with the help of a friend , I got myself a part time job where I can work from home. With a full time study and part time job plus full responsibility for the baby, I was exhausted and got seriously ill twice where I ended up in the emergencyroom of the hospital. Second time, I wasn’t physically ill, I just couldn’t breath and this pain on my chest was killing me. The doctor who was responsible for me came in the room and told me that there is nothing wrong with my body but I maybe suffering from anxiety and panic attacks and he called a psychologist to talk with me.
Long story short, I have been the victim of anxiety for over three years. Despite of the efforts that I have been showing to build a good life for myself and my daughter, I couldn’t give myself any cridit and I was worrying about job opportunity after graduation and a place to live after moving out from where I am living now etc. even though I was receiving help from my family, I always found something to worry about. My panic attacks would continue for days and sow times weeks. I would get up at sleepless nights and cry.
One day, I had it enough, I wanted to figure out what is going on with me. My major is psychology and I have resources to find out my problem and a solution for it. So I spend all my spare time to dig into myself and ask myself some questions that I have afraid to ask for years. I slowly realized that it is all in my head, no potential danger is out there for me. I prayed to God to remove this pain from me for years, but what if this pain is what I needed all along to find the courage to stand up for myself and change myself so that I won’t suffer again. I wa so scared to be broken, but I was already broken and all I have to do is to accept it and give myself the time and support to be healed.
I was blaming God Almighty to put me in this situation, but I know now that it was my choices that put me in this situation. I was given the chance to make better choice , I didn’t know how. So , I had to learn through the hard way. I sank deep into myself, I leanred my lessons , I made my boundaries and it was and is till a struggle to stick to boundaries. But I am building a good relationship with myself which I didn’t have before. Life presented its ways for me to become the person who I meant to be and my daughter is now six years old. I give myself so much cridit for being a strong woman and a mother for the past five years.
I have learned to be patient with myself as God Almighty has always been patient with me. I have learned to pardon the people who hurt me before and give up on being a victim, as God Almighty said we have to forgive if we want to be forgiven by Him. I have learned to put my trust in God Almighty and let the life unfold with its own order. That is when the anxiety was beaten by me. Every now and then, I do get anxious, but then I can calm myself down easily and it doesn’t go crazy to control me like before.
Lots of love