The nightmare of my life seemed endless and tiresome. The pain I have on my chest due to anxiety and panic attacks got stronger and I felt helpless and hopeless about my future. I tried so hard to find way to believe that I can build a better future for myself and my daughter, and I have one everything in my ability to improve my psychological state. But the road I took seems to led me back to myself, in another word, I fell back to the same pattern of thinking and behaving over and over again. It felt like it was impossible for me to see the world otherwise, differently than I did for many years. I thought that is the way the world is, that it is a horrible place where I can trust no one. I cannot prevent bad things from happening to me and I can never build the life I dreamed of.
Then it hit me like a high frequency wave. I look back and saw a young woman who lived inside of a bobble, where she could break out and live in a bigger world anytime she wanted. But she didn’t, not because she didn’t want to but she didn’t know how to.
Time allowed me to grow up and see the world differently. Time healed me and gave me chance to look at my past with a experienced eyes and draw the lessons that I needed to build that life I dreamed of. I figure out the only thing I need to change was my beliefs.
The belief that I had for my whole life was mostly wrong and I was stubborn to change them. My ability to adopt was very low. Even thought I knew most of the time what I needed to do, but I didn’t have the courage to do it. Somehow the social norms around me, the judgmental eyes that fixed on me held me back from becoming the person whom I born to be.
On the process I learned to accept myself and forgive myself for the ” wrong” choices that I made. They were the best choice I could made back then, I shouldn’t look at my past with a critical eyes. I should never tell myself I should have known better.
Sometimes bad things had to happen for us to be able to prevent the worse. If I didn’t experience all that bad things, I wouldn’t become the strong woman I am today.
Give yourself time and be patient with yourself. If you are in the dark, I assure you something. It will all over one day, just like anything else in this world. Whatever it is that making you feel bad and sick, it can become your strength as long as you know how to change and adopt.
Lots of love