Honour yourself as a woman

I can’t help to notice a global phenomena in women, including myself where we lack the ability to honour our feelings and we are so scared to trust our guts, when it comes to relationship with men.

As it is already obvious in various psychological studies, women suffers more depression and anxiety related to intimate relationships than men. We somehow become anxious and insecure when we start a relationship with a man or while we look for the Mr. Right. There is a mention  a barrier in us from stopping us to get what we truly deserve in relationship with men. As a woman myself, I can confidently say this, that what every women want is a committed relationship, a marriage, where they are loved and protected by their men and experience romance in their marriage.

For the past five years, after I went through a divorce, I couldn’t get close to any men in any way. I was too afraid of getting hurt, and also too cautious about my situation- that I am a single mom and would any men accept my child. Whenever someone show interest, I was reminded the fact that I have a child and I went through a divorce stopped me from getting any close, I shut down and push that man away with my insecurity. I didn’t figure this out until recently. You may wonder how I push those men away. Then read on!

Out of my fear, I lost confidence, and I was telling myself that he would not  settle down with me, that he would not choose me since there are many other single women out there who doesn’t have any kid. When they came strong and tried to get close to me, I asked myself ” why did he choose me out of everyone, I have a child and I shouldn’t be chosen unless he has some hidden intention”. With this doubt, I acted insecure, and clingy, I got upset when he didn’t call, or show up, or didn’t text. I lashed out and said he didn’t care about how I felt. And sometimes, I did things that I actually didn’t want to do, such as answering the phone even I am in the middle of something important to me, and staying up all night talking even if I was tired and wanted to sleep. I felt somehow, if I say good night and sleep instead of listening to him, he won’t call me again or he would think that I am not good enough for him. I basically compromised in all aspect of myself in order to show him that what a good catch I am. But what do you think how this turned out? It all back fired. I got frustrated after trying everything to get his attention and make him to commit. Then I got angry and I blamed him for that, I asked him to take responsibility for how I felt. It ended when he called me ” crazy ” and ” control freak”.

I spent years to analyse this relationship, to find out what exactly I did wrong. I finally figured it out. I didn’t love myself enough and I didn’t honoured my feelings. I thought he is the one that can save me from this nightmare and end this cycle for me. I put my faith in him instead of myself. I expected him to take responsibility for me. I put the power on his hand.

After that heartbreak, I have first and foremost promised myself that I will not betray  myself again. I will be my hero and I will save myself and take myself our from this cycle and I will be always on my side. Most importantly, regardless how afraid I am to be alone, I will not act upon that fear of losing a man. I will never compromise my dignity and I would rather spend my life with myself then to give my time to someone who cannot respect me and appreciate my kindness.

I believe this should be the attitude of every woman who wants to have their happily ever after .

 

Lots of Love

Marbiya

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