When I was younger, I used to think that only certain people are so lucky to get what they want and they were born to rich and successful parents who promoted their dream to come true. I also had few of those ” lucky” people around me as a child, and I somehow felt like I can never be as ” lucky” as them even if I try my best. I felt somehow I was treated as if I am inferior compare to them, they are my cousins, my classmates and my so called friends.
I moved to abroad when I was 19 and began a brand new life, met brand new people, yet, something was still bothering me. The same treatment that I have been getting since my childhood was present in my adult life, even with new people. The people who have never known me before. The same fear was in side of me, and left me with sleepless nights.
I started to see that I am a different person inside and outside. I am braver, wiser, smarter and authentic inside, but outside, I am people pleaser, naive, scared and afraid of what people might think about me. The inner me was so unsettled and wants to come out and take control, while the outer me was scared to let her out. If she gets out , then she might lose everyone around her, those ” friends” who didn’t really care how she feels, those people who doesn’t even care whether she is alive or dead.
I was exhausted by this rival and I had to decide who I should become in order to live the life I wanted. When I think about it, it wasn’t very difficult to choose since nothing I did so far served me well. Still, I was afraid of being judged, being disagreed. And then it hit me.
The only reason I wanted to change is to live a more fulfilling life where I can be who I am and express my most authentic feelings. As I know , that I have so much to offer and I can do so much if I only have the courage. Any one who truly cares about me, would never disagree with this intention. Only those who doesn’t care about my happiness, those who are jealous of my life will judge and talk badly about me when I do change for good.
Does it really worth it then, to spend hours , even days to think about those people and what might they think , while they dont even care what you went through and what might have happened that now you have to change the way you show up?
The first thing I have to do was to be on my side no matter what. Which means, no matter what decisions I make, nobody has to right to pass their comment on my life. I support myself fully that I dont have any desire to know what others might think about me. All I have to do is to take full responsibility of my decision. Then I wouldn’t need anyone else´s approval, as, only I will bare the responsibility at the end of the day.
And then , just become the person whom I desire to be, the real and authentic me, who can speak up her mind, who can say no to the things that doesn’t serve her, the feminine me who knows how to receive and love, and feels secure about herself.
Most important thing in life, is to evolve and improve yourself until you become yourself, not anyone else. So that you can do things on your way, not others way, so that you have the power to also influence other, not just to be influenced. Whoever has this power, has everything.
Lots of Love