Last week, after one and half hour of Yoga training, I got an insight. I was so clear in my head and just wanted to connect with myself more with meditation. I started to see my fear of losing other people in my life. It mostly people whom I care about and I have feelings for. I saw that because of this fear, I somehow didn’t express who I really am. I somehow felt like me, the person I am , is just ” too much” and therefore I should contain it. Either way these people may leave me.
This realisation and bitter truth really hit me and I wanted to overcome this fear so that I can fully express myself in life and live a life that I meant to live on this planet ( it is not like we are moving to another planet any sooner ;)) So , where should I start? What should I do to genuinely express myself without worrying about who is coming and who is leaving?
Then I felt myself, my presence. My breath and my body. I felt this independent presence that is calm and peaceful. It was true happiness after all. As happiness doesn’t mean you have to put up a smile on your face all the time. I wondered how come this peaceful feeling is here as I am worried that I may be rejected or left alone in life. I imagined people I cared about and afraid of losing slowly walked away from me. I stayed and watched them walked away from me, and I was calm. I was happy. I was content with the result. Then I realised they didn’t walked away from me because of me. And I decided to stay exactly where I am and be my own companion. I decided to loyal to myself. When Pema Chodron asked about the true essence of meditation, she said that it was to stay loyal to yourself no matter what happens. And that was my experience. I felt the urge of stay with myself and protect my conscience no matter what happens. Then all of the sudden I saw the fear of losing all those people disappeared. Because if I mean something to them, they will make effort to keep me just like I did make effort to keep them around.
With this kind of fear, relationships can become toxic. Because you approach people with a dangerous underlying assumption. This underlying assumption is that” This person is going to leave me, so I have watch I say and what I do, and I should consider more about his/her feeling than my own feelings”. This assumption is very unconscious and unless you bring this to your awareness and do something about it, it will keep you away from real connection with other human beings. It hinders you from true self-expression.
So my friend, the only person you should afraid of losing is yourself and your conscience. From that centre, you can make a wise and right decision in life that really serves your purpose.